can't cope with this

thursday 12th january...and so a week later i check back in at oncology at the n+n....before the nurse gets to stick me with the canula i ask to see the doctor....he takes me to a side room and i list all the oxaliplatin 'fall out' I have been through...(see below)...he weighs me and i've dropped down even more into the high nine stones...he tells me there will be no chemo this week and he'll refer back to my oncologist for instructions....I breathe an audible sigh of relief and shuffle off to visit the hospital cancer help centre where i speak to a kind ex nurse and tell her of my mounting fears about this doctor saying there are no guarantees that i won't be as sideswipingly sick as I was last time around the next time around - if you get my drift...it makes me weep at times with fear and foreboding....i decline the offer of a cup of tea and take the bus back home calling in at m+s to buy my self something tempting for supper....am now hoping my strength resolve and courage will have a chance to build again before next thursday....